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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington shows a playful dual-language production and an improvised theatrical troupe. Curiously absent from the advertised events is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door event. Organizers appear determined to prevent any unwanted attendees from showing up at what promises to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory procession where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly repeat the old platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Crew

A glamorous event is scheduled to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum together with diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of simple, lottery balls.

Set to last the thick end of three grueling hours, the event will include a lengthy playlist of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental highlight reels, approved jokes, famous faces, performances from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Duty

Among those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, barring an uniformed security team crashing the ceremony, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are aware of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Actual Draw

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. But as fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their particular country will play in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the United States, speculation about the winner are ripe, though the clues are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager with a team on a five-match losing streak, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an additional song?"