Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
